The Inflation of Angst

I hate when the world resembles what it actually is...

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"That’s what happens when libs come in and wreck a beautiful mountain community…”

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angst
/äNG(k)st/ noun
a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.

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As a proud Gen Xer, angst is one of my most treasured traits. I have honed it against the grindstone of life until it shone with a blinding brilliance whose razor edge could slice through any sunshine foolish enough to rear its ridiculous head in my general direction. It's difficult for me to understand how any human being can feel happy and positive all of the time. It seems irresponsible. It's foreign to me. Contentment and happiness are not the same thing and contentment seems more important and more attainable. I go through phases like anyone. Sometimes contentment is forefront. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in control. Sometimes I am a captain on rough seas steering the wheel this way or that with a focused destination on the horizon. Sometimes I realize that steering is futile and lash myself to the mast to feel the sting of the cold whipping salty mist and to resign myself to being taken wherever the universe decides I need to go, knowing that the universe has no knowledge that I exist.

I did a little ride around Asheville at the three-month post Helene mark. There has been progress. The same way putting a spoonful of sand into a zip lock bag and removing it from the beach is progress. It’s slow. Many of the buildings that were destroyed have not been touched and remain where they lean or have fallen. They crouch, still surprised at what has become of them and shocked that they have no future. There is still debris everywhere. But the word debris is impersonal and what is contained in these piles is not. An open compact with mud instead of makeup. A coupon for a restaurant that no longer exists. An out-of-state license plate from a visitor that now wishes they hadn't. Pieces of what could be an old fence or a park bench or a front porch swing. Electrical conduit that might have once delivered electricity to a lightbulb throwing a warm glow over a kitchen table where spoons sat at the ready beside two steaming bowls of chili — all swept away. Debris is now what defines some areas of the city. Seeing this. Walking into it. Feeling it. This inflates my angst.

I have a little YouTube channel and I posted some video of my ride. I wanted to give an update to my small core of regular viewers who all seem like friends at this point. At first that's all it was - and my regulars expressed their sadness and wished me well as Asheville recovers. But everyone loves disaster porn and the video started to get more views. And then the other sorts of comments started to sprout in the midst of the well-wishes.

"Why is the government taking such good care of illegals and not Americans?!"

"It would sure be nice if our government would spend a little bit of money to help people get in there that will do the work instead of sending it all to Ukraine..."

"That’s what happens when libs come in and wreck a beautiful mountain community."

"The dems keep adding funding to Ukraine and useless ventures instead of helping us."

"I bet nobody in NC's government even knows what the constitution or the bill of rights are..."

"What destroys smalls towns are out of state people and that's a fact !"

"Funny how the government has billions for Ukraine, and pennies for Americans..."

My greatest hope is that most of these are bots. I'd be so honored if bots would take time out of their busy day to bother sowing division on a stupid and pointless YouTube channel about motorcycles. In fact - that being true would relieve a good bit of my angst. I have no desire to argue with these folks. You can look up the federal funding that's been sent, how the state government and how FEMA have performed, how aid to foreign countries and disaster relief are different budgets that have nothing to do with each other, etc... (My thought when I see the money to foreign countries comments is - "Do you think that America can't do more than one thing at a time?") It’s so difficult not to respond, but I made a sacred oath to myself from the start not to feed the trolls.

It's not the fact that people believe these things that bothers me. Believe what you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. What is depressing is that these were reactions to me lamenting the destruction in the city where I live. These aren’t the reactions I’d hoped for. They aren’t helpful as human to human relationships go. It’s unclear what they’d be useful for at all.

You can not make any statement in this day and age that isn't construed as being political. If I'm at a restaurant and comment on how good the eggs are, there will be someone at the next table who feels the need to comment on the price of eggs and which political party is at fault. These days everyone thinks that all of their opinions are important enough to be made public, and as evidence I offer you the drivel you're reading right now. I don't usually post anything about politics. I don't think I'm qualified. I'm not smart enough and I don't have time to become smart enough. If I did have the time I'd certainly spend it becoming smarter at something other than politics. And pretending to know what you're talking about is exhausting. I don’t like it when other people do it, and I like it even less when I do it. Shutting the fuck up is a virtue we should all take a closer look at. (I’m not blind to the hypocritical nature of saying that out loud in the midst of me doing the exact opposite of what I suggest, but dichotomy is the spice of life…)

I don't even like to talk about politics with people I know well and who likely have the same beliefs I do. Because ultimately - what are we really saying to each other? On every side of the spectrum — we're just repeating what we heard someone else say. It's like trying to plant a flag in a floating cloud of mirror shards where each reflective surface is a strong opinion that is nothing but a reflection of another opinion from across the way that was based on yet another opinion, and so on. There is no real structure underneath this floating cloud of mirrors. It's just blather giving birth to more blather, with no solid ground anywhere at the bottom where you might try to mine truth or original thought. There is no originality. There is no way to have a thought based solely on facts and reason because facts and reason are scarce and undervalued. If I were to talk to you about politics, I would just be parroting what I heard on NPR or what I read in a NYT post on Facebook. If you talk to me about politics, you might be parroting Fox News or something you saw on Truth Social. Neither of us has an original thought worth a shit. Does that put me off from thinking about politics? No. On a certain micro level, politics is extremely important. It matters. What our leaders think and how they act matters and can affect a great many people both positively and negatively. So I want to pay attention to it and I want to be as involved as I feel is healthy for me. But what being involved means for most of us is - reading or watching or passing on opinions that we already agree with because of past opinions we decided we agreed with that were likely first instilled in us by our parents. And we all think we’re right. We all know we’re right. I think my ultimate main political belief is that I want people to be able to do whatever they feel like doing as long as no one gets hurt and I want people to be taken care of, and I don't mind my taxes paying for that. So I guess I'll hitch my wagon to whatever asshole is headed in that general direction.

But I also like to think about the world from a wider point of view. From a height where borders aren't a thing, where we are a species and not countless gaggles of selfish special interest groups. John Lennon may have been in this state when he wrote Imagine. Oh, here we go again with the comments. "Imagine is a left wing nut job propaganda song jammed into our ears with the intent of forcing us under socialist control!" Imagine describes a way of looking at things that doesn't need a left or a right wing because it floats wingless under its own power, slightly above all of that garbage, to grab a glimpse of the world as it could be if we would drop our nonsensical boundaries and tribal tendencies. That sort of view of the world deflates my angst completely. Unfortunately, as John must have realized - all we can do is imagine. But we should. It can’t hurt.

Then the video and photographs started coming from friends and family on the West Coast and the angst was inflated once again. A friend and his family in Altadena lost their house. There is nothing left. He and his wife are musicians and I can’t help but think about those lost instruments that created such worth being gone forever. Luckily the music itself survives as does their ability to create more. (Help this family here if you’re so inclined.) I found myself sending out the same texts I received when the hurricane hit. "You good?"

Last night I sent a text to check in with a woman I worked for when we lived in Los Angeles to see if she was okay. We love each other but have a rather aggressive relationship where I usually refer to her as "Old Hag" and she usually makes fun of my adopted southern heritage, asking how my marriage to my cousin is going or if I’m currently drinking hooch from a mason jar. (Yes to the second thing.) She sent a photo of the property of a production designer we used to work with who had a house in the Palisades. There was some metal framing and some charred agave plants left, and that's about it. Another shocking and horrible photograph that holds within it implications far beyond what you see in two dimensions.

My immediate response to the the photo was, "I hate when the world resembles what it actually is." It was just an off the cuff remark. But after I sent it, I took a moment and stared at that line for a bit. I realized that I may have never had a thought that was so true to what I feel in the very center of my soul.

"I hate when the world resembles what it actually is...."

I don’t enjoy it when the negative aspects of what we may be in our true hearts of darkness, as humans, as a country, or as a world, comes to the surface. I can think of many infamous dates throughout my time here on earth where that feeling was so strong to the point of pain. I started to list them, but there are too many. I know you have your own list of dates as well. Perhaps your list overlaps mine. Perhaps it doesn’t.

I believe it can change. I know it can. In fact - it's felt different than it feels currently within my lifetime. But right now, the world is divisiveness and devastation and a charred shadow of what it could be if we could all just get our shit together to act like a species instead of countless gaggles of selfish special interest groups with useless regurgitated opinions. It is tragic when a thing is obvious and impossible at the same time.