ECBDRs: PRE-RAMBLE: THE BIKE

Unlike many of the macho testosterone-fueled wrap-around shade-wearing penis size liars who are reading this right now, there’s nothing I like more than showcasing my weaknesses, my stupidity, and my general lack of knowledge and skill. In this case, the lack of skill I’m talking about is using solid data and specs to choose a motorcycle. I’m not all that interested in bike specs. But I am hopelessly influenced by my heroes. Ed March is 96.77% of the reason I did the TAT on a CT125. (The Kiwi Groms pushed me over the edge.) If you think I would be capable enough to choose a motorcycle based on a motorcycle’s capabilities and specs, you would be wrong. I’m too uneducated and vain for that. I have three criteria.
1. I have to be able to afford it. This narrows things down pretty quickly.
2. It has to look cool to me. And this is a subject that I will go on and on about in just a minute.
3. It helps if someone I think is cool has already chosen it as their bike (or something similar in the case of Ed’s c90 and my CT125). The person most responsible for my Royal Enfield Himalayan purchase was Noraly aka Itchy Boots. The old Noraly - not the current Noraly who has made the disastrous absolutely yet proper and wise choice to switch to a Honda Rally.

Obviously, you’ve got jack shit to do or you wouldn’t be wasting time reading this. So I’m going to take advantage of that and waste as much of your time as possible. Let’s tackle the “looks” situation. There was a good article about this in ADV Rider (https://www.advrider.com/the-adv-conundrum/) about how every adventure bike is horribly ugly - and I agree with that. Almost all adventure bikes are terrible looking. This article was actually sent to the text thread by TAT Steve. If you like insects with beaks, lots of plastic, square headlights, or god forbid a fucking triangle-shaped headlight, liquid cooling devices taking up prime real estate, and pure ugliness without any hint of cool… well you’re in luck. There’s plenty of that to be had. So KTMs, BMWs, VStroms, Tenere’s, Africa Twins, and every other bike that looks like it could be in a Transformer movie is out for me. TAT Steve said he read a comment where someone described modern adventure bikes as “toaster ovens in hockey gear…” That sounds about right. I know they’re capable. I know they’re awesome. But fuck that. They don’t look cool. Not at all. Even the Honda Rally that Noraly now rides - I hate it. I mean, I’m sure I’d love riding one and that it very well might be the perfect bike for me. It’s light and capable and can do the highway when needed. But you have to look at it as you walk up to swing your leg over. You have to LOOK AT IT. WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. No. No. No.

Now I am fully aware that this photo of bikes that I think are ugly as a pock-marked rhinoceros ass will offend every single one of you who owns one. I get it. Don’t shoot the messenger! Before you get angry at me, you need to keep in mind that I don't know what I’m talking about. I don’t know shit about motorcycles. I only know what I like and dislike. So settle down and put a grain of salt on your tongue.

I wouldn’t say you could in any way classify me as a hipster. I feel too old to waste that much energy for one thing. My facial hair isn’t trimmed neatly enough. I don’t care about fashion or how I look (immediately obvious to all who meet me). I don’t much mind if my soap wasn’t hand carved using an ancient Native American spearhead or if my pickles were locally sourced and aged in barrels made from reclaimed barn wood that once housed virgin cows from France. I’m not even sure why I’m talking about hipsters. Well, it’s because I think I like motorcycles that hipsters would like. I like stuff that looks like what it is. I want a machine to look like a machine. I don’t want the mechanical bits to be hidden behind plastic. Now if to you, a motorcycle should look like a praying mantis with the gaping mouth of a stupid pelican - then good on ya. But you’re an idiot. (Oh jeez, don’t get so upset. I’m not making fun of you. I’m making fun of your stupid-looking motorcycle. Have another grain of salt.) A motorcycle should look like a motorcycle. I want to see the god damned engine. I don’t need or want riding modes. And please just sort it out so it can be air-cooled. I think the biggest downfall of motorcycle aesthetics is the liquid cooling crap they have to stuff in there these days. A few of them hide it well - but most of them just slap a slab of dumb plastic over it. The XT, the DR, the KLM - they all bum me out with their damn square headlights and plastic non-gas tank-looking gas tanks. Oh my god, I haven’t even mentioned the embarrassing graphics of all of these bikes. The Honda Rally looks like something you’d buy from a guy hawking light sticks and flags at a Fourth of July celebration. I have to mention here that I understand that my Honda Trail CT125 is not exactly a good-looking motorcycle. But it is so ugly and stupid looking - that it sort of comes out the other side and is cool despite itself.

So - retro-styled bikes appeal to me. Here are some of the originals that I think are cool. Of course, I have a thing for Steve McQueen and Lawrence of Arabia and Marlon Brando and all of the old 60’s motorcycle movies where the guys say “groovy” and smoke joints and spend most of the time trying to keep their bell bottoms from getting tangled in the chain. Look - some things have gotten better over time. Like dentistry. I don’t want to go to a 60’s dentist. And I know that motorcycles have improved leaps and bounds as far as safety and capability and technology. But as far as aesthetics go - full failure. The entire industry has failed miserably. I feel like this is a styling bubble that will surely eventually pop. But for now - we are left with the most heinous-looking herd of motorcycles ever to touch rubber to road.

These are some bikes I think look cool. They’re all scramblers. The hipster pinnacle of motorcycles. My wish? A Honda 400cc bike that’s 325lbs tops with a low seat height that is nimble and agile like a Honda CRF300L that looks like one of the bikes above but with high exhaust and more suspension clearance. Honda, are you listening? There is a massive market for a bike like that. I’m telling you. What’s so difficult? Okay, low seat height but high clearance. That might be tough I guess. Why don’t I just buy an old bike like the ones pictured, you say? Because I don’t want a dentist from the 60’s. I like disc brakes a lot. I also kind of like fuel injection. I don’t want to work on my bike most of the time - I want to ride it.

So what’s out there that’s acceptable? Here’s what I’ve got. Johnny Pow was lusting after the new Norden 901. And while it’s pretty horrible looking - with the flat-sided plastic gas tank - at least it doesn’t have the beak. And it’s sort of eased up on the insect trend. I almost think I could grow to think this bike looks cool. But it’s too big, too fast, and too expensive for me. And now that I’m looking at it closely - I still kind of hate it.

The Triumph Scrambler. This is the bike TAT Steve took on the Continental Divide trip. The liquid cooling is cloaked and isn’t prevalent or covered in a plastic sheet. This is a nice-looking bike. But it’s too heavy for me. I think it’s 500 wet. I might be wrong about that. The REH comes in around 450 and it’s already too heavy for me too - but I couldn’t handle another 50 lbs. Steve let me ride his when he came through Asheville on his way to the Great Divide Ride, and this bike is way too powerful for me. It’s a monster. This is a sweet-looking bike though. There is truly nothing offensive about its looks.

Johnny Pow was also lusting after the Ducati Desert Sled. Here’s another example of the liquid cooling apparatus melting into the background as it should. I think this is a damn good-looking bike. Someone took one around the world so it’s obviously capable of that. The cons? Pricey and hard to work on. And Ducati feels snobby to me for some reason. But I wouldn’t mind owning this bike at all.

The Caballero Scrambler is one of my favorite modern bikes as far as looks. I think the price is right. It’s got a Chinese engine but is supposed to be pretty decent. It’s not available in the USA so it doesn’t matter one way or the other.

Then there’s the Janus Gryffin 250. Johnny Pow thought seriously about this bike for the TAT. Again, it’s a Chinese Honda engine clone. It’s almost too hipster though. I’d definitely have to get my facial hair game in order to own this. I’d probably also have to buy the correct open-faced helmet and goggles. But let’s all be honest - it looks cool as shit.

And the second bike I would own if I had all the money in the world? Here it is. The Carducci Sc3 Gera Baja. I don’t know why I like this so much because there are things about it I definitely shouldn’t like. It’s actually quite ugly and not at all hipster. I hate the big plastic adventure gas tank. I’m not a fan of the exposed battery. But that’s all stuff I could change if I were already spending this kind of money and despite the flaws, I still love this bike. There’s something about a V Twin on a dirt road that’s incredibly appealing to me. This is the style engine I had on my old Suzuki Intruder and Honda Shadows. These are custom built and go for $70,000. I can’t decide if I should order two or three.

There’s no perfect adventure bike. That’s just how it is. There could be though. My perfect bike could exist. If only Honda would let me help design one. Just putting that out there.

All this to say - I’m happy with my 2021 Royal Enfield Himalayan. It’s slow - but by taking the CT125 across the country I’ve proven I don’t mind slow. It’s heavy. But it doesn’t ride heavy - whatever that means. I notice the weight in mud and I notice the weight when I’m doing things like trying to turn around on an incline. Other than that - it feels much more nimble than it should. I very much wish it was 100 lbs lighter though. It’s quirky. Every Himalayan either has cold start issues, stalls, or the battery dies, or you're bound to get one of the many problems that they seem to install randomly at the factory just to annoy you. It’s very good for luggage. Of course, I’m comparing it to the CT125. The REH is easy to work on. But most of all - when I walk up to get on it - I don’t cringe. I look at it and smile. I say to myself, “You, my friend, are a good-looking motorcycle that looks like a motorcycle, you beakless, non-insect looking, plastic light, beautiful son of a bitch….”

But what a difference this is going to be compared to the little Honda. If there’s a place to camp 20 miles off the route - I can actually go to it. With the Honda - even half that distance off the route was a major pain in the ass (literally). Being able to go the speed limit and not have an angry line of cars backed up behind me until I can find a place to pull over - oh - that’s going to be pure heaven. And I’m going to take a moment to reflect and appreciate it whenever it happens.

My setup is all pros except one major con—the weight. The bike is 450 something pounds. That’s not light. Not at all. Add another 60lbs in gear. Then add me. That’s quite a load to be dealing with. I can sometimes lift it up with the bags on - but usually not. I’ve already had plenty of opportunities to try. When it’s laying in the mud or has decided to tip over for one reason or another (never having to do with my lack of riding ability of course) - that’s the one circumstance where I walk up to her and instead of telling her how good she looks - I mentioned her weight problem, which of course just pisses her off.

But that’s the bike I’m taking. I call her Caledonia Blockhead. And I like her very very much. Of all the bikes that are available right now, the Royal Enfield Himalayan is the perfect bike for me.